There are a lot of things that I want to tell you, but I can't.
So I'll just tell them to myself, and imagine what you would say.
I talk to myself a thousand times,
and you have a different reply every time.
Sometimes I'd like to think,
you'd respond the way I imagined it,
Sometimes I think you won't,
I really don't know.
I look into your eyes, and my heart screams a thousand words,
But I smile, and try to show a face of calm.
No one sees the struggle inside,
And brick by brick, the walls just get thicker.
Maybe one day I'll share,
But not today.
It just wouldn't be right.
Not with you, not with me.
9.10.15
thin line
He leaned in, yet her face tilted ever so slightly so that their lips wouldn't lock. She didn't dare. Not when they wouldn't be able to see each other again. She couldn't bear to let her heart free to love a dead end. He held her hand, and proceeded to kiss her fingers. He could still smell the belacan in her fingers, probably from the hours spent grinding that prawn paste in the kitchen with her mom. He loved that smell.
He turned to the other side to sleep, not letting her see the single tear rolling from his eyes. She put her arm around his waist, and he gripped it tightly, knowing that this would be the last.
---
The agreement in 1909 had taken effect, and they were never to see each other again. But he was desperate. He left his shirt from that night unwashed, because it still had the scent of vanilla that she always had in her hair.
"Into the jungles I will go," he thought to himself. "I will cross the border, in the deep bamboo jungles where the patrol guards will not see me."
Off he went, on a journey that would take two months. He lived off the wild tapioca in the jungle, and water from the streams.
And when he finally arrived, he saw her, laying motionless on the ground, cup still in her hand.
He turned to the other side to sleep, not letting her see the single tear rolling from his eyes. She put her arm around his waist, and he gripped it tightly, knowing that this would be the last.
---
The agreement in 1909 had taken effect, and they were never to see each other again. But he was desperate. He left his shirt from that night unwashed, because it still had the scent of vanilla that she always had in her hair.
"Into the jungles I will go," he thought to himself. "I will cross the border, in the deep bamboo jungles where the patrol guards will not see me."
Off he went, on a journey that would take two months. He lived off the wild tapioca in the jungle, and water from the streams.
And when he finally arrived, he saw her, laying motionless on the ground, cup still in her hand.
28.9.15
What are we, but mere silhouettes of our past?
Beings, altered by the course of time,
Until we are but a new being.
For cells die and cells divide,
cells new again and again,
Can we truly say that we are the same person of yore?
New likes, new dislikes,
Taste and senses numbed by age,
What we once knew, foreign,
and what we once thought was, isn't.
How then can we love?
The person I loved yesterday, today isn't.
The person I am yesterday, today isn't.
Who are we? What are we?
Are we not mere doppelgangers of ourselves,
Hoping to be but never really.
Hoping to stay but moving constantly.
I yearn for the days of old,
the times familiar,
but merely hold on to a stopped watch.
Beings, altered by the course of time,
Until we are but a new being.
For cells die and cells divide,
cells new again and again,
Can we truly say that we are the same person of yore?
New likes, new dislikes,
Taste and senses numbed by age,
What we once knew, foreign,
and what we once thought was, isn't.
How then can we love?
The person I loved yesterday, today isn't.
The person I am yesterday, today isn't.
Who are we? What are we?
Are we not mere doppelgangers of ourselves,
Hoping to be but never really.
Hoping to stay but moving constantly.
I yearn for the days of old,
the times familiar,
but merely hold on to a stopped watch.
22.6.15
He still mumbles
As the evening sun sets, I watch the shadow of the old tree
stretch out. Reminds me of how my thoughts of you never end. Turns out, I never
got used to you not being by my side anymore. As I walk back to the city, most
of the shops are closed, and all that’s left are the neon lights of pubs
flashing in the distance. In the tiny street where I stand, it rains all night.
19.6.15
He mumbles
It’s been raining every day now since you left. Maybe it’s
the rainy season, maybe it isn’t. I want to let go, but I can’t. The rain keeps falling. I try to pretend the past isn’t important, but I can't. It was only after we said goodbye that I realized we
can’t see each other again, and I can’t just lose your smile like this. I try
to withhold the pain and the tears, and I struggle. You said you’d be with me
till we’re old and that we’d go there to find eternity. But for now, even a
hug, no, just spending a second with you will do.
Your smile, your virtues,
they constantly dance around in my mind. My hand still holds memories of the
warmth I felt while holding your hand. My heart is in pieces now, and I can’t
make it beat like it used to. I’m imprisoned by the past and have no strength
to run away.
It was only after we said goodbye . . . that I realized . .
.we can’t see each other again.
18.6.15
Oh, what I would give to turn back time,
To right the wrongs, to clear the crime,
Now all that's left is a mountain to climb,
And I,
I am too weak to overcome.
My legs burn, and my fingers bleed,
My lungs are giving out, even at this speed,
It would be much easier for me to cede,
I cannot go on,
The pain is too much to bear.
I cannot run forward, yet I cannot run back,
Sixteen days ago was my last snack,
I question if my life is on the wrong track,
Without you,
I no longer know black from white, or day from night.
To right the wrongs, to clear the crime,
Now all that's left is a mountain to climb,
And I,
I am too weak to overcome.
My legs burn, and my fingers bleed,
My lungs are giving out, even at this speed,
It would be much easier for me to cede,
I cannot go on,
The pain is too much to bear.
I cannot run forward, yet I cannot run back,
Sixteen days ago was my last snack,
I question if my life is on the wrong track,
Without you,
I no longer know black from white, or day from night.