His smile, wider than I remember it to be.
But I know. I read his diary.
The pain he's going through.
The loss he suffered.
The smile isn't real.
It's too perfect to be real.

---

I am tired. I stay awake at night, because I'm afraid of closing my eyes. I tell myself I'll be okay, but then every time I shut my eyes, the images just come back. They are burned into my eyelids. And I cannot unsee what I've seen.

Will I ever find rest or respite from this nightmare?
Maybe I'll just have to learn to sleep with my eyes open.
Resentment I see, maybe subconscious.
Maybe it's conscious, but I just try to deny it.

Maybe I'm just not ready to let it go.

Let go

Holding on to nothing,

It's time to let go.

What you think that was, isn't.

What you wish there is, a mere illusion.

It's time to let go.

The past you created did not exist,

The happiness you wish for has long vanished.

The desperate attempts are merely empty clutches,

Can man really clench wind in their fist?

I wish you bluebirds in the spring,

To give your heart a song to sing,

I wish you health, and more than wealth,

I wish you would go, and never look back.